Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
