Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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