In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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