I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
