its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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