I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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