The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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