I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
