There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
