his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
