The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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