So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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