Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
