I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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