I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
