We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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