I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
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