this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
