I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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