Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
