buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
