You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We have started to decorate penises.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
