He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize