I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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