The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Randomize
