Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
