R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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