I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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