i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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