You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
