I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
