Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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