I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
