I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
