i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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