I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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