FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
