3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
