I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
