Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
