I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
