the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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