remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The adults are the big ones right?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
