I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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