so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
