This is not my ceiling
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
