Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
