i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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