my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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