you guys were way drunker than both of me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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