Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
