I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
