Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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