broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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