my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
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It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
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That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
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