I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
