Cold hands, warm shart.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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