I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
