Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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