I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
